Post by TimeLordNanc(: on Apr 12, 2013 21:05:38 GMT -5
Okay, so, there's a friend that's turned her back on me. So I need to rant, and here's what I want so desperately to say to her.
I've come to realize lately that life sucks, and that there's nothing you can do about it but tuck tail and move on. The wieght of the world is so hard to carry on one pair of shoulders, and when you have a friend that you suddenly don't want to hang out with anymore, either because they're a bad influence, or they're not as happy as they used to be, or if they've changed completely, just know that you're putting that much more on their plate. Everyone had their own way of dealing with the crap that society feeds them. I may have a different way of dealing with things than you do. Just because we aren't the same, or handle situations the same does not give you an excuse to turn your back on me. Sure, I may have backslidden a considerable amount since the last time we spoke, but just think about how much of it was you who caused it. I know that I'm different. I would simply love to be bone-thin and pretty and have tons of friends and get along with everyone and have my own horse and ride every day and have an iPhone and have a loving family, but I don't. And it is not my fault. If you can even blame it on something, blame it on how today's society works. You're a stick figure: 10 social points. You have a horse and ride in high-stake shows: 5 social points. You have an iPhone: 30 social points. Your family is all skinny and pretty and picture-perfect and your parents are just the most understanding things that exist on this earth: 25 social points. You go to parties and social gatherings:5 social points. You have tons of friends, popular or not: 30 social points. You see? That's the way the world works. I refuse to give in to stereotypes and the laws of their own creating.
But no. You have to go and just whisk all of my happiness away. Did you ever cinsider that you were the only one I trusted? But that's fair. There's secrets I never told you because I knew you wouldn't understand. There's people that you've never met, because I couldn't risk losing you if you knew who my "posse" was. But hey, it's all fine in the end. Whenever everything is gone, lost into time and decayed with the storms of life, when there is nobody left for you to run to, don't expect me to be at the garden gate. Because I'll most likely be long gone before then, having already been burned out by loneliness. By then, I'd have given up.
And what will you do then? Tell me now, honestly, would you miss me if I was gone? There's been many times I've though of that, and could do nothing but sit and cry because there's no evidence that you would. If I died now, and was found in the morning in my bed, or hanging from my ceiling fan, or have a bullet in my throat, would you get over it like you have all the others? Have I significantly impacted your life at all? From every direction, especially the one we've been headed lately, I'd say no.
But I want you to know that it hurts, saying all of this. Mostly because you know who you are, and I know that you know. It's been a long time since we've had an honest talk. There's a ton of things that I've had to resist, because you were just so important. I never gave in to the emo crowd even though I hang with them. I never cut myself, or done drugs, or cussed, or rebelled. I've always tried to be the perfect friend, being there for you at every crossroad, trying to help you with your choices. I stayed by your side even though I knew where we were headed. I knew from one single moment, when it seemed like all of time and space stood still and whispered it in my ear. So please don't act surprised when you read this. because I know that you knew it was coming too. And I can't help but wish and beg and plead for you to keep me, like a pet that's being taken to the pound. I feel like I've begged for your attention my whole life, and I won't do it anymore. Either you want me, or you don't. But the thing is this: I still want you. It's not often I feel so comfortable around a single person for so long. It's not often I can be so open, and yet so closed. It's weird, like a paradox friendship. But it's so much fun.
Don't you remember all the fun we've had? Or did you only drag me along because you felt sorry for me? While I was by your side, did you wish that I was gone? Did you hope that I'd soon leave? While you wished my absence, I wished your presence. I feel like a child, begging for mommy to look when I perform some idiotic trick. It's not easy, begging. It takes a lot of work for it to be so hidden, only a crack in the wall, barely noticable though very annoying. Is that what I am to you? Annoying? A child?
Let's get this straight. I am not a child. I've seen more things, lived more hardships in my years that you have in yours. But I must be stronger than you, because I haven't yet broken, but there you are, so sad about the simple things in life. I'm sad too, you know. Depressed. I have being around people, because they only depress me worse.
Do you wish I was prettier? Because trust me, I would love to be skinny too. But here's a secret: Food makes me happy. It makes me feel like I'm chewing away my troubles, swallowing them and then they're long gone. It relieves my stress from days on end, surrounded by models and perfect tens. Excuse me if I'm not a stick figure. I'm fat because that is the way I deal with the world whipping leather chords across my back every second I'm awake. Did you know that it's gotten so bad that I'm ridiculed in my dreams too? Does that make you feel anything at all?
I hope you ask yourself these questions and then reflect on them. Because if you don't act fast, my good opinion will be gone. And I don't give second chances. Also know that you've ruined my chances of having other friends. Because of you, I now feel as if I'm too worthless to even be a doormat. Thank you for your friendship, I've really appreciated it. You've brought me so far, and for that I can never repay you. So don't ask for anything in return.
I've come to realize lately that life sucks, and that there's nothing you can do about it but tuck tail and move on. The wieght of the world is so hard to carry on one pair of shoulders, and when you have a friend that you suddenly don't want to hang out with anymore, either because they're a bad influence, or they're not as happy as they used to be, or if they've changed completely, just know that you're putting that much more on their plate. Everyone had their own way of dealing with the crap that society feeds them. I may have a different way of dealing with things than you do. Just because we aren't the same, or handle situations the same does not give you an excuse to turn your back on me. Sure, I may have backslidden a considerable amount since the last time we spoke, but just think about how much of it was you who caused it. I know that I'm different. I would simply love to be bone-thin and pretty and have tons of friends and get along with everyone and have my own horse and ride every day and have an iPhone and have a loving family, but I don't. And it is not my fault. If you can even blame it on something, blame it on how today's society works. You're a stick figure: 10 social points. You have a horse and ride in high-stake shows: 5 social points. You have an iPhone: 30 social points. Your family is all skinny and pretty and picture-perfect and your parents are just the most understanding things that exist on this earth: 25 social points. You go to parties and social gatherings:5 social points. You have tons of friends, popular or not: 30 social points. You see? That's the way the world works. I refuse to give in to stereotypes and the laws of their own creating.
But no. You have to go and just whisk all of my happiness away. Did you ever cinsider that you were the only one I trusted? But that's fair. There's secrets I never told you because I knew you wouldn't understand. There's people that you've never met, because I couldn't risk losing you if you knew who my "posse" was. But hey, it's all fine in the end. Whenever everything is gone, lost into time and decayed with the storms of life, when there is nobody left for you to run to, don't expect me to be at the garden gate. Because I'll most likely be long gone before then, having already been burned out by loneliness. By then, I'd have given up.
And what will you do then? Tell me now, honestly, would you miss me if I was gone? There's been many times I've though of that, and could do nothing but sit and cry because there's no evidence that you would. If I died now, and was found in the morning in my bed, or hanging from my ceiling fan, or have a bullet in my throat, would you get over it like you have all the others? Have I significantly impacted your life at all? From every direction, especially the one we've been headed lately, I'd say no.
But I want you to know that it hurts, saying all of this. Mostly because you know who you are, and I know that you know. It's been a long time since we've had an honest talk. There's a ton of things that I've had to resist, because you were just so important. I never gave in to the emo crowd even though I hang with them. I never cut myself, or done drugs, or cussed, or rebelled. I've always tried to be the perfect friend, being there for you at every crossroad, trying to help you with your choices. I stayed by your side even though I knew where we were headed. I knew from one single moment, when it seemed like all of time and space stood still and whispered it in my ear. So please don't act surprised when you read this. because I know that you knew it was coming too. And I can't help but wish and beg and plead for you to keep me, like a pet that's being taken to the pound. I feel like I've begged for your attention my whole life, and I won't do it anymore. Either you want me, or you don't. But the thing is this: I still want you. It's not often I feel so comfortable around a single person for so long. It's not often I can be so open, and yet so closed. It's weird, like a paradox friendship. But it's so much fun.
Don't you remember all the fun we've had? Or did you only drag me along because you felt sorry for me? While I was by your side, did you wish that I was gone? Did you hope that I'd soon leave? While you wished my absence, I wished your presence. I feel like a child, begging for mommy to look when I perform some idiotic trick. It's not easy, begging. It takes a lot of work for it to be so hidden, only a crack in the wall, barely noticable though very annoying. Is that what I am to you? Annoying? A child?
Let's get this straight. I am not a child. I've seen more things, lived more hardships in my years that you have in yours. But I must be stronger than you, because I haven't yet broken, but there you are, so sad about the simple things in life. I'm sad too, you know. Depressed. I have being around people, because they only depress me worse.
Do you wish I was prettier? Because trust me, I would love to be skinny too. But here's a secret: Food makes me happy. It makes me feel like I'm chewing away my troubles, swallowing them and then they're long gone. It relieves my stress from days on end, surrounded by models and perfect tens. Excuse me if I'm not a stick figure. I'm fat because that is the way I deal with the world whipping leather chords across my back every second I'm awake. Did you know that it's gotten so bad that I'm ridiculed in my dreams too? Does that make you feel anything at all?
I hope you ask yourself these questions and then reflect on them. Because if you don't act fast, my good opinion will be gone. And I don't give second chances. Also know that you've ruined my chances of having other friends. Because of you, I now feel as if I'm too worthless to even be a doormat. Thank you for your friendship, I've really appreciated it. You've brought me so far, and for that I can never repay you. So don't ask for anything in return.